With thanks to Writers’ HQ, our supreme writing commanders, glorious leaders and excellent but tiny overlords, who have verily granted us permission to use their splendid and sweary Privacy Policy.
I have to have a privacy policy to explain how I comply with the GDPR (General Data Protection Regulation), the DPA (Data Protection Act) and the PECR (Privacy and Electronic Communications Regulations) because God knows there’s not enough actual interesting things in the world to read, you need to read 1,000 words of legalese nonsense that makes literally not one bit of difference to anyone, ever.
Short words (written by short people)
The best bit about the GDPR is that all this has to be “concise, transparent, intelligible and easily accessible” so hold on to your hats, this is going to be the shortest, clearest and best freakin’ privacy policy you ever did see.
So. Here we go…
Tl;dr
I’m a tiny, overstretched author and I don’t have the time or energy to do anything nefarious with your data. It’s not that I’m not evil – I’m as corruptible as anyone – I’m just too tired to think up a malevolent plot to steal your identity. I collect and store the info I need to provide you with the books you buy from me. I occasionally stalk you via Facebook adverts. That’s really it.
Cookies
Seriously who actually cares? Do you even know what a cookie is or does? Well then. Yes, I use cookies because that’s kinda how the Internet works. If you don’t want my delicious home-baked chocolate chip scripts, then you need to block cookies on your browser but don’t come crying to me when nothing does what it’s supposed to.
Stalky visitor tracking
Look, I’m following you, ok? I use Google Analytics, primarily to stare at the real time stats because they’re cool but also to see what stuff people looking at so I can write more of the stuff you like.
I also have the Facebook Pixel installed so that I can sell you stuff. Yes you heard it. Writing is a business and – shocker – I want you to spend money with me. The Facebook Pixel means that I can see how people interact with my site and with Facebook adverts and then I try to flog you relevant stuff. If you’ve not seen the Facebook Ads analytics dashboard MAN ALIVE it’s stalker central. That shit is a terrifying Black Mirror horror show. If you’re not on Facebook – well bloody done but the pixel is tracking you anyway.
Don’t know if there’s a specific Facebook Pixel blocking thing but we accidentally discovered that if you use Freedom app to block social media while you’re writing it also blocks the FB pixel. Handy hints!
None of these things store any super personal data about you but probably they nab your IP address, not that I’d know where to look for it or what to do with it. All I see is that a person or many people have interacted with the website in a particular way. You can mess with me by doing something totally unexpected on the website and skewing our stats. Or you could do something way more fun and useful with your time LIKE READING.
Data storage
DATA!! It’s all about the data, baby. A literal fuck-tonne of petabytes whirring around the world and what? What’s it all for? WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN? What will future historians actually see of us and our slowly collapsing society? So. I store your data in a few different places and use it in a couple of different ways. You ready for this?
Here on this website! If you register with the site I will store your name and email address. If you buy stuff from me, I will store your name, email address, postal address, phone number if you give it to me, and purchase history. Your payment details ARE NOT held on the site. I obviously go to the maximum effort to keep this data secure . I’m the only one with access to this information, and I only look at it to solve any technical problems you might have.
I’ll be honest: I do absolutely nothing unsurprising or radical with your info. I use your purchase history to target you with ads for stuff you might like. For example, if you buy a book I’ll occasionally ask if you want to buy another book. Does that make me EvilMegaCorp? Idk, it’s fairly standard isn’t it?
Mailchimp! If you’ve signed up for anything or bought anything on my site – newsletter, book, anything – your name and email address also wangs its way over to Mailchimp, which is the system I use to manage our newsletters and emails. They are (allegedly) GDPR compliant. You can unsubscribe from emails at any time by hitting the unsubscribe button.
Your payment details
When you buy stuff, you will pay through PayPal. The only payment-based details I hold on my site is how much you’ve spent and how you paid. I have no bank or card details or nada here. PayPal is being totally weird about it but will have to be GDPR compliant or everyone in Europe will have to stop using it and probably they don’t want that.
Email marketing thingies and newsletters
If you sign up to our newsletter, I will send you a newsletter – generally around one a month, but occasionally more if there is more interesting stuff to tell you, or less if there’s nothing new to announce. You can unsubscribe at any time by clicking the unsubscribe button in every email. Your name and email address are stored securely in Mailchimp.
Mailchimp automatically adds tracking things to links so if you click on a link I KNOW. If you open an email I KNOW. If you ignore me I KNOW.
The most important thing about this is I have neither the time nor inclination to actually look at or do anything with these stats.
Your right to be deleted
FINE I DON’T CARE. If you want to go undercover, just chuck me an email and I’ll delete all the info I have on you from my systems while having a passive aggressive huff about what I could have possibly done wrong.
This does not include PayPal. If you want to delete your PayPal account you have to do that yourself via PayPal. I cannot delete your purchase history because the taxman will be terribly upset.
Social media and all that bollocks
I use social media a lot, partly to promote my books but mostly as a vehicle for connecting with my readers. If you talk to me on Facebook and I become familiar with you, I might find you on Twitter and say hello. You can ask me to be less friendly if you wish and I will, of course, respect your boundaries.
You are not required to follow our social media accounts.
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